Just had a massive argument with Billy where he revealed that he resents the relationship that Maisie and I have. I am very angry and disappointed by this. I honestly don’t know what to do. It came about because I noticed that he has been getting snappy with Maisie. He said that he tries not to but it just comes out. I feel that I have lost faith and trust in him in one conversation. He must know that if I had to choose there would be no contest. My little girl is my life and quite frankly if I was never to have a boyfriend again I wouldn’t feel like I was lacking anything. It’s his bloody birthday on Saturday too which just makes this even more difficult. I don’t know what to think, I feel numb. Thank god for work!
I want to go to sleep
September 12, 2007 at 4:21 pm (children, drudgery, family, jobs, life, moaning, work)
I am dead on my feet at the moment. Working six days a week, looking after a child and trying to run a house is a bloody knackering thing to do. Because of the lack of staff at work I am also being shown how to do many more things, this is leaving me mentally drained too and of course in a few weeks I start on my OU course, yay! To top it all off my social calendar has never been so full! This weekend is the only weekend where I have nothing to do, well it was until I found out that mum is going into hospital to have her knee replaced on Sunday so I shall be spending some time with her. Billy isn’t round tonight (as he normally is) so I am going to attempt to do washing up, tidying and washing of clothes, oh and then I’ve got to make dinner at some point, go through Maisie’s spellings and listen to her read.
Something is going to go pop soon, I’m betting on my feet and my brain.
Mothers and daughters
August 24, 2007 at 8:16 am (children, family, life)
I had a little, mini breakdown on Tuesday and it wasn’t because I had just seen the Bratz movie either. Little things had been getting to me over the past weeks but on Tuesday it all came to a head. I was in the bath having a very relaxing time when I looked over at the loo roll holder. Just below the loo roll holder I saw a hole, ‘how did that get there?’ I thought. I called Maisie up to ask her and she admitted that she had done it. I just burst into tears, which therefore meant that Maisie burst into tears.
I wasn’t crying about the hole. I think I was crying because being a mother is the most terrifying thing a woman can do in her life. It’s great when your kids are tiny as you have complete control over them, but there comes a time when you have to start letting your little ones think for themselves. Even though you’ve spent many years showing the right way to do things we all know (from personal experience) that as a child you know the ‘really‘ right way to do things. Children want to test the barriers too and so do things to defy their parents. I think back to myself as a child testing the barriers and knowing best and I think ‘oh my god, I was the stupidest and most hideous child there was.’ My head knows that this is one of the reasons why I am now an (almost) sane adult and that Maisie needs to make mistakes to learn from them. My heart wants to wrap Maisie up in cotton wool and make her safe for the rest of her life, but this can’t be. I am certain that she will make many good decisions in her life, but I am also certain that she will make some bad ones.
I look at people all around me and I think that they have turned out ok, I am sure they got into some sticky situations when they were younger. Why can’t I realise that this will happen to Maisie and she will still turn out ok too?
What goes up, must come down… and then go back up again.
August 7, 2007 at 7:17 am (children, friends, fun, jobs, karma, life, money, weird, wow)
I have another one of those weird weeks, they seem to be happening a lot recently, I’m not sure I can cope with them!
I woke up on Saturday, looking forward to the pirate party that I was going to that evening. I did my normal coffee and internet thing that I do in the morning. Facebook, Myspace, WordPress, bank, lottery. Everything was normal until I got to the lottery website. The balance said £0.00 but I had an alert. I clicked on it expecting it to tell me my tickets had run out, but no. It told me I had won £805!!!! I kind of believe in Karma and to me this was the good following the bad (the burglary) but then some bad had to happen, which it did that night.
The pirate party was fantastic, everyone dressed up wonderfully and we actually managed to go down the canal on the boat. The bands were on top form and the drink flowed, this was my problem. I got so drunk that I can’t remember going home, and I was in charge of Maisie. Never in my whole life have I felt sooooo disgusted with myself. Maisie said it was horrible to see and I remember when I was a kid seeing my mum drunk and it was indeed hideous. Maisie has forgiven me but it’s going to take a very long time for me to forgive myself. She gives me huge hugs and kisses and tells me it’s ok, but it’s not really, is it?
This was the bad to counteract the previous good, so therefore there must be some good to counteract this bad. This came yesterday in the form of my work mate handing in her notice which means I now have a full time job in a place I really like working in. I am really happy at the moment, but there is still a little man in my head with a big black cloud telling me never to drink again while I’m in charge of Maisie… and I won’t.
6 weeks
July 19, 2007 at 4:43 pm (camping, children, life, re-enactment)
Well, that’s another year over. Just 2 more to go.
It was Maisie’s last day at school today, summer holidays* are here. So many people moan about them, but I just see the ability to actually have a lie in when I have my mid-week days off. In six weeks time Maisie will be in year 5, I can’t believe how fast life is going by! We have a few things planned though, Berkeley Joust this week and next week, a party next Saturday and one in August and Collicut Festival some other time, can’t remember when exactly.
I have almost finished making the medieval dresses. Mine in fact are completely finished, I just have to make Maisie’s over dress (tonight) and we’re sorted. I am very chuffed with myself as I had no pattern for either mine or Maisie’s dress, I just winged it and they have come out brilliantly so far. I even had to use eyelets!
*typically, summer holidays are here and the skies have turned black. Of course we’re camping this weekend too, doesn’t bode well does it?
Tewkesbury
July 9, 2007 at 7:08 am (camping, children, friends, life, people, re-enactment)
I am shattered. This being after I spent the weekend at Tewkesbury under canvas for the Medieval Festival. My fiancé has been doing medieval re-enactment (War of the Roses) for 16 years now and I am about to join him. Not as a soldier though, just as a water wench re-hydrating the troops. All the people involved in such things are really nice, and it’s one of the few places I feel that Maisie is safe to go off and do things by herself as everyone knows she’s mine. Anyway I bought shed loads of fabric and this week I will be making mine and Maisie’s dresses. There is a white linen under dress and a navy/royal blue linen over dress. Arms have to be completely covered as do legs and hair. We just need pouches to go on our belts and I need a helmet as everyone on the field needs one. At least when I’m wearing that I shan’t get burnt, which I most certainly did this weekend, and I put loads of sun cream on too! Maisie helped some of the re-enactors put on their armour so it really made her feel part of it. It’s not often people treat her like a person rather than a child, but when people do they find that she’s a very helpful and witty person. Billy’s off to work with a fat lip and a swollen elbow and Maisie off to school full of excitement. I’m just glad I have today off as I ache all over.
My daughter and her friends
June 8, 2007 at 8:31 am (children, friends, people, rebellion)
My friend tender[hooligan] commented about the fact that my daughter is quite a responsible 9 year old, which she is. She always talks to me and tells me things that I think many other mothers aren’t told. But of course when she gets a few years older she will very likely want to rebel, as we all did when we were younger. I often wondered if her rebellion would lead to her become chav-like as I am quite hippy-like. Thankfully it seems this is not to be the case, phew! As I’ve said before we live in chav central so quite a few of Maisie’s friends are chav spawn, and they are lovely children. Maisie was talking to one of her friends about what she wanted to be when she was older, not what job they wanted to do, but which tribe they would belong to. Maisie’s friend said she wanted to be a chav because she ‘likes the way they walk’ Maisie turns to her and says ‘I want to be a goth because they get to wear great make-up and dye their hair’. I have to say the goth girls of today are not like those of my day and I would be happy for Maisie to be a part of that clan.
I have just 4 years to wait till the teenage years hit, it will be interesting to see if she still feels the same then. I do hope so, I’ve got the hair dye and make up ready!
